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Seymour Loudermilk

SEYMOUR
LOUDERMILK

Founder

From his early days as a young law clerk for the porcine fat-rendering industry, Seymour Loudermilk’s unwavering dedication to non-animal justice was evident. Fueled by a passion for not changing–and a disdain for those who want to– Seymour discovered his purpose: serving the voiceless omnivores who’ve been victims of vegans.

Today, Seymour is widely recognized as the country’s leading anti-vegan lawyer. He is a tireless champion of the innocent: Dutiful meatloaf lovers. Proud cow milk drinkers. Hapless egg eaters. Cheese addicts. Pescatarians. Over the past forty years, hundreds of meat eaters have huddled under Seymour’s broad wings of justice. Again and again, he has laid eggs of financial relief to those injured by vegan righteousness.

If you’re looking for a clear-headed voice of reason in a world whose mind has been destroyed by too little Omega-3, look to Seymour. Together with his crackerjack team, he will continue to stand against the relentless march of vegan ideology, until tofu goes extinct.

As with all preeminent championing leaders, Mr. Loudermilk is a highly sought-after expert for radio, television, and podcasts. Book him today.

DR. COLIN PACKER

DR. COLIN
PACKER

Medical Expert

The esteemed Dr. Colin Packer serves as our lead medical expert and brings hours of expertise to Loudermilk & Associates. In 1987, Dr. Packer graduated from the University of Arkansas at Toad Suck (UATS) School of Medicine and Cosmetology. He subsequently landed an internship in the OBGYN department at the Our Lady of Perpetual Gastroenteritis Hospital in Bad Axe, Michigan before establishing a decade-long residency at Lipschitz Memorial Hospital in Pennsylvania.

Since the late 1990’s Dr. Packer has been highly valued in his role as a medical expert in court cases involving some of the most famous meat and dairy brands in the business. The apex of Dr. Packer’s testimonial career came in 2017 when he successfully persuaded a jury in a civil trial in Oklahoma that, instead of causing coronary disease, lard and butter actually coats a patient’s bloodstream, thereby eliminating the need for fruits and vegetables in one’s diet.

When he’s not watching his beloved bullfighting, Dr. Packer spends time with his wife Minerva and their three sons Tyson, Jimmy, and Dean.

Patricia Lambe

PATRICIA
LAMBE

Attorney

Born and raised on a ranch in Nevada, Patricia was cauterizing horns before she could spell them! Nowadays she knows how to spell horn. H-O-R-N. And she uses it to remember her four guiding principles:

H – Honesty – Patty will always be real with her clients, however hard, unless it’s something unpleasant like pig thumping.

O – Ordinaryness. Patty knows the importance of having an ordinary, ‘normal’ diet, whatever the costs to your health, animals, and the planet.

R – Really Good. Patty is really good at her job.

And, most importantly,

N – Nice. Patty is nice. Not angry and shouty like vegans, who apparently won’t use an iron because it’s ‘bad for the planet’.

Patty is married to Lou Lambe, and together they have three little Lambes, who enjoy a normal diet and moderate to severe obesity.

Charles

Charles
LOUDERMILK

Paralegal

Charles “Chuck” Loudermilk is the son of Seymour Loudermilk, and has recently joined the family business, working his way up until Seymour dies and he doesn’t have to anymore.

Whilst everyone at Loudermilk and Associates works hard FOR YOU, Charles is really the corporate party boy, ensuring the team plays hard too, organizing softball tournaments and mock executions.

But Charles isn’t just at the company because he is the fruit of Seymour’s still-phenomenal loins—he got here on merit. Colleagues and clients alike still talk about his pro bono work screaming ‘Bacon, tho!’ at some people eating a salad, and that time he ate a cheeseburger in front of a cow having her calf taken away. Frankly, Chuck can be a bit too much, even for some of us, but what are you going to do? Change the way the world works? Sounds a bit preachy and vegan to us.

Angus Barnes

ANGUS
BARNES

Administrative Assistant

In the corridors of justice, where reason and passion intertwine, stands Angus Barnes, the steadfast guardian of Seymour Loudermilk’s fervent crusade against the encroaching shadows of vegan ideology.

As the firm’s Administrative Assistant, Angus embodies a paradoxical blend of unwavering dedication and subtle rebellion. For while the legal adage professes “Law is reason, free of passion,” Angus remains steadfast in his defiance, trusting not in the wisdom of anonymous “theys,” but in the fiery conviction of his mentor, Seymour.

In the grand tapestry of his journey, Angus finds himself in his second year of law school, a burgeoning acolyte of jurisprudence, poised to transcend the mundane tasks of office upkeep. With a deft hand in the art of third-person prose, he endeavors to embrace greater responsibilities, seeking to elevate his role beyond the confines of mundane chores, such as cleaning the office fridge and sitting at the front desk when clients arrive so the office looks busy.

Beneath his seemingly unassuming exterior lies a wealth of experience and insight, forged through a transformative summer as a pescatarian. Far from a hindrance, this unique perspective affords Angus a profound understanding of the motivations that drive the extreme vegan adversary, arming him with the rhetorical prowess to dismantle their arguments with resolute conviction.

In the ceaseless struggle between right and wrong, truth and deception, Angus Barnes stands as a silent sentinel, ever vigilant in his commitment to the noble cause championed by Loudermilk & Associates. And as the battle rages on, his presence serves as a testament to the enduring spirit of defiance, igniting a bacon of hope amidst the shadows of uncertainty.

He also enjoys the Final Fantasy game franchise.

“Don’t improve your argument.
Raise your voice.”

– Seymour Loudermilk

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