PAID AD SPONSORED BY THE VIRILE VEGAN ORG
LOS ANGELES.
Once a free-spirited city, bustling with steakhouses. Today? A wasteland of factories belching out fake meats!
HAD ENOUGH? SO HAS SEYMOUR.
That’s why your favorite anti-vegan injury lawyer is running for LA District Attorney.
SEYMOUR’S PLATFORM
- Crime-free. Tax-free. Vegan-free.
- Make it with oat milk? That’ll be $10 extra
- Clearer food labeling for fake meats, i.e. ‘This Is Disgusting And Doesn’t Taste Right’*
- Total ban on vegan products that use meat and dairy terms like ‘sausage’ or ‘cheese’. This will also result in a ban on peanut butter, coconut milk, beefsteak tomatoes and milk of magnesia
- Possession of quinoa to become a felony offense
- Any doctors recommending diets with reductions in meat or dairy shall face license suspension and forced relocation to the flat part of the Valley
*This will not apply to meat products. We will uphold the current LA policy of not listing anti-worming medication and other additives fed to animals used to produce meat.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE INCUMBENT
You only get ‘gas’ and ‘con’ when you eat a twenty-dollar beanburger. And he may talk about crime, homelessness, small business zones, and good education. But like any weaselly politician, he’s too scared to talk about what’s really at the heart of the demise of the City of Angels: SELF-RIGHTEOUS VEGANS.
LA District Attorney Gascon sitting next to his loyal supporters. Source: NY Times
SEYMOUR SAYS
Angelenos, I’m not on the ballot on November 5th (I forgot to get the required 6 signatures) but you can write in my name at the very bottom of the ballot, just below the candidate from the Free Soil Party.
And I still need your help. To raise money for my campaign I’m running banner ads on my website. If you’re interested in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be front and center with the cholesterol-be-damned people of Los Angeles, email our agency at lori@scout22.com and she’ll send you a rate card. We also sell lawn signs and lobster bibs.
No longer need we stagger, malnourished and afraid, through the meat desert of Los Angeles.
Loudermilk for District Attorney. Make America Meaty Again!
PAID AD SPONSORED BY THE VIRILE VEGAN ORG
